Taking Care of XIAHOU DUN for Dummies
by Insertmanyfandomshere
Summary: A manual for the XIAHOU DUN unit.


**Introduction**

 **Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of the XIAHOU DUN unit! This unit is the cousin of the CAO CAO unit and would rip you a new asshole if you dare go near him with malicious intent. It is also a popular unit among the ladies and gentlemen. On the surface, he's a gruff stone statue, but on the inside, he just wants to cuddle-NOT. He's the same on the inside. Don't get any funny ideas or do. We're not responsible for failed sexual conquests with our units. Hey, at least you CAN try to have sex with them. You can't do that with an Amiibo, that's for sure. I don't care how much you love that Zero Suit Samus Amiibo, it can't love you back and it's tiny. Now if you want someone like her... You can just order the WANG YUANJI unit!**

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 **Comes with...**

 **Seven (7) basic Chinese armor**

 **Two (2) pairs of shoes**

 **Two (2) eyepatches**

 **One (1) simple and practical sword**

 **One (1) booklet on XIAHOU DUN's hairstyles and how to do them (Just in case you hate his default style.)**

 **Two (2) jars of gel (How do you think you're fixing his hair, huh?)**

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 **Name: Xiahou Dun**

 **Gender: Male**

 **Other names: Eyepatch dude, Cool guy with eyepatch, Eyepatch this, Eyepatch that, (DW8) Vege-Xia**

 **Famous for: Being the guy who ate his eyeball, being one of Wei's best men,**

 **Spouse: Dunno**

 **Children: Xiahou Chong, Xiahou Mao, Xiahou Zizang, Xiahou Zijiang**

 **Age: (According to Koei) 29**

 **Appearance: Your basic gruff military man**

 **Striking Features: The eyepatch (duh), changing hairstyles**

 **Build: Cross between muscular and buff**

 **Quirks: Has some anger issues, would fuck up the next person who messes with his master and it's not very pretty**

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 **Instructions**

 **Of course, he's pissed that we jammed him into that box. Open the box with caution as he will strangle the next person he sees when he pops out of that box. Make sure his sword is still in its bubble wrap so that he won't/can't kill you when you try out introductions. Once he's comfortable and calmed down about you, please show him around your lovely complex and his new bed/floor.**

 **Care**

 **Hopefully, the unit comes with a full set of eyes. The eyepatches included are for when you are a neglectful shithead. Which is why you need this care section. Don't you ignore this, you son of a bitch. The unit isn't picky with his food, so you can keep him well-fed. Heck, you can order Chinese and feed him that. The unit can clean himself, thank you every much. He'll drown you with the shower head if you try to get in with him. If you two get really acquainted, then you could probably share a shower with him. Maybe. No guarantees. We're not a company that's known for guarantees. He doesn't need anyone to groom his beard. But you can keep a razor around for him just in case if he'd like to try something new.**

 **How to keep your unit happy**

 **He's never happy, got it? But, if you don't want to die, just stay on his good side and never on his "cracking skulls" side. His good side can be kept on when you treat him nicely and like a human being even if he is a bit distant towards you. He also would like his CAO CAO and XIAHOU YUAN units as well. Actually, that's the best thing you could do for him. Do not keep any Shu line units around or else you might as well get arguments and fights non-stops. Especially with the GUAN YU unit.**

 **This unit will leave or disobey ( or KILL YOU) if...**

 **Have the CAO CAO unit around (He'll automatically follow him and not you.)**

 **Joke about his hair (Only I can do that.)**

 **You were the cause of him losing one of his eyes while living under your care**

 **JUST DON'T MAKE HIM PISSED, GOT IT?**

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 **Skills**

 **-Chinese fluency**

 **-Bodyguard (Come on, he's a big buff guy with a big buff sword. Of course that's not for show.)**

 **-Jar opener (Saves you some cash on getting a can opener.)**

 **-Swordsman (I guess this would be useful... if you live in samurai-era Japan... Or you have a dojo...)**

 **-Decoy boyfriend (Just in case your ex won't stop stalking you, this unit can be used to repel that little bastard away.)**

 **-Robert Downey Jr. impersonator (Charge people for pictures and he has already that personality down. Make some cash from Iron Man movies.) *Void if eyepatch is being worn***

 **Romancing**

 **Got it. You want to fuck him. It's simple. Just play nice and be a very understanding person. He'll show signs of softening and that's when you swoop in for the sex and romance. If you have other units around, it's best you try to romance him when you're alone with him. Just trust me on this. You'll just make things every awkward if you try putting the moves on him around say, CAO CAO or any other unit that knows him/XIAHOU DUN wouldn't like you embarrassing in front of.**

 **Modes**

 **Normal**

 **Angry**

Lvl 1: Angry

Lvl 2: Pissed

Lvl 3: Really Pissed

Lvl 4: Really Fucking Pissed

Lvl 5: Dude, you've really fucked it up (You're dead by this level.)

 **See Also:**

 **CAO CAO: His cousin and most favorite person in the whole world. Get this unit to keep unit happy.**

 **XIAHOU YUAN: His brother or cousin that he also loves very much. This unit is the thing that keeps XIAHOU DUN from blowing himself up from anger.**

 **GUAN YU: His "rival". Surprisingly doesn't work well with him.**

 **FAQ'S**

 _ **PEEEEEENIIIIIIISSSS SIIIIIIIIIZZZZZEEE.**_

 **No! No! NO! Bad! You go down there and measure yourself!**

 _ **Can I style XIAHOU DUN'S hair into something that's NOT in the booklet?**_

 **Like what? Pig tails? Skinhead? Buzzcut? Something that doesn't look stupid should be fine with him.**

 ** _Bring back the penis length section!_**

 **NO! NO! Hell! No! Stop writing to me, creepo!**

 ** _We deserve to know!_**

 **NO! We're are not going to give away sensitive information like that!**

 ** _Can we at least know if he would need lube?_**

 **Huff... If you like it up the ass, then YES.**

 _ **You didn't say for the other hole...**_

 **GODDAMN IT, HOW DO WE BLOCK THIS PERSON FROM WRITING TO US?!**


End file.
